Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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