i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
