i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize