I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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