Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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