My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
