Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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