and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
