We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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