There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
