i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
