just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i've created a new STD.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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