I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
