Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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