So drunk its hurt
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
