We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
