So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
