All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize