i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
