I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
