I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
