You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
