There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
