On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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