Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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