she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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