LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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