Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
