my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
