OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
