last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
porn star boner night. come get it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
