i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it penis luge time yet?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
