Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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