running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
