Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
