my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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