i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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