Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
