i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
