My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He better not be in your backpack
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
