I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
