I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize