I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
