Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
