Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
