before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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