eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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