The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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