i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
