go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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