I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The uberlube is also flammable
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
