she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
