He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
