Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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