If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
