Umm I'm too high to move.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
