Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
