Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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