Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
