During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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